Wrath of Rain Gods

“Sir ji, rains are going to elude us this year as well”, said the driver of the bus I board each morning to office.

It was the first week of June, and there was still no sign of any rainfall in Pune - no clouds in the sky, no respite from the scorching heat, and no positive weather forecasts as well for the next few weeks. Rains had eluded Pune the previous year, and this year as well, they had already been delayed by at least a month.

“Sir ji, there is nobody but ourselves to blame for this change of weather during past 2-3 years. We are responsible for the wrath of God that is punishing the city”, he said in a tone which appeared to be filled with guilt.

I was quite impressed and emotionally stirred by this statement and the way he thought. Even after knowing all about global warming, and how it is rising to alarming levels, most of us are doing nothing. All continue to burn more and more fuel, waste energy and turn their backs to the issue. The problem is that most of the people don’t even want to accept this as a fault of their own and turn a blind eye towards the environment. However, this bus driver was talking more sense than these much more educated and knowledgeable ones. I didn’t know if he was doing anything substantial to save Mother Nature. But at least he was thinking in the right direction. Or so I thought.

“Yes, you are absolutely right. The environmental problems are our own doing. We should try our very best not to damage the environment any further”, I said.
He interrupted, “Yes sir ji. Man must control and bring down the levels of freedom that women enjoy today. “

Had my ears deceived me? Instead of ‘levels of emission from automobiles’, had I heard ‘levels of freedom that women enjoy’? “Beg your pardon!!!”, I said.

“Sir ji, women have been given too much freedom nowadays. They are skimpily dressed. They have boyfriends. They even smoke and drink these days”, he continued. “And worst of all, they even do unmentionable things that should be done by girls only after marriage”, he alluded to consummation of physical bond between the male and the female of a species.

“So???”, I asked him, unable to comprehend what he wanted to say.

“Sir ji, God is looking from heavens above. He has seen all the misdeeds of women in recent times. He is extremely angry on women, and these longer than usual summers and absence of rains is His way of punishing them, and punishing us for letting them get out of control.”

“Moreover Sir ji, government is also not doing anything to control this climatic change. Law punishes men who rape women. Why doesn’t it punish the women who do such unmentionable things before marriage?”, he continued to express his deep concerns for Mother Nature.

I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. And I just couldn’t believe that people could be so lame. Are these ideas of his own? Or have these been implanted into his mind by others who think likewise? Are there many more in this world who believe that the ice is melting in Arctic region because women have started enjoying an occasional booze in India? Are there people who believe that seasons’ cycle has shifted because ladies have stopped hiding their faces behind ghoonghats and burqas?

At first, I thought about explaining in detail to him the real cause of earth’s environmental problems. But then, I realized that it is not only about the environment that I would have to explain to him. I would as well have to get rid of gender bias existing in his mind and inculcate in him equal respect for men and women alike. And the latter cannot be achieved through a lecture or some kind of workshop. It is something that should be slowly instilled into a person right from his childhood. If a child grows up with biased thoughts in his mind, there is no way his thinking can change at any point later in his life. And there could be no way that I could make this bus driver think in any different manner. So I decided to remain silent.

More than two months have now passed since this incident, and it has been raining continuously for past five weeks or so. It seems that people have now realized what great damage they had been carrying out to nature and have perhaps taken positive steps towards ensuring that Rain Gods stay happy. Positive steps such as all unmarried women vowing to stay virgin until they marry, I guess. After all, that’s what causes rains. Right?

PS: You can read here how Mother Nature is avenging man's cruelties to her?

From Fake IPL Player's Blog – The Build Up

SEPTEMBER 23, 1893

Let The Match Begin

Well, as far as getting into the playing eleven in IPL (Indian Players for Lagaan-maaf) team is concerned, I am a no-hoper. And the only thing I expect to do during the course of this match is serve water, chhachh and baajra rotis to the players in the middle. However, this also means that I would have enough time on my hands to write this blog, and update you with the live action straight from the Champaner cricket stadium, as well as all the gossip from the dressing room. And for this purpose, I am going to use my newly bought Macbook Pro, launched by Apple Inc in January 1892.

What I like the most about this tournament is the hot cheer-leaders dancing in their sexy costumes. That’s one thing that I am going to enjoy the most here. Those beauties, dancing to that hep tune, really make my day.

Hot cheer-leaders of IPL

Another good thing about this tournament is that I can be at a very close range of all the superstars of this star-studded cricket team. During the first few hours spent with them, I have noticed the traits in some of them, and I am now going to share these with you. My captain Bhuvan, carries a lot of attitude with him, wherever he goes. He never stoops down either in front of the Goras, or the film fraternity even if they offer him prestigious awards such as The Manikchand Filmfare. The only exception to this, however, is the excitement and enthu seen in him when these Goras offer him an Academy Award. Our coach is a British Lady named Elizabeth, who apparently also happens to be the sister of rival team’s captain (Captain Russell). And then we have our team-owner, a local ruler, Rajah Pooran Singh. Other teammates are pretty interesting characters as well. Unfortunately, our evergreen international player, Mr Dev Anand (if you remember him from the Awwal Number series) has dropped out this time due to some other prior commitments. Had he also been there, our team could have aptly been named as Circus XI.

SEPTEMBER 24, 1893

The Issues

Before we could even push the start button, our team realized that it was in a much bigger shit-hole now, than the time when our captain, Mr Attitude had challenged Captain Russel for a match. The whole team is at the lowest of the abysses. Everyone around is dropping catches as if it is not a cricket ball, but rather a snitch used in the English Quiddich League headed by Sir Harry Potter himself. Two of our leading bowlers, Goli and Guran, have bowling actions that would put the likes of Lasith Malinga to think very highly of themselves. There are great chances that the two would be called for chucking by the umpires. Our coach, Elizabeth, whom I would refer to as Phoren Babe from now on, is too much bent towards our captain, and never makes even a single eye contact with any of the other players in the team. I can also spot a lot of racism within the team, with some of our super-stars looking down upon our only genuine spinner Kachra, who happens to be from a lower caste, and is considered untouchable by others. And as a result he has always been afraid to open his mouth in front of others. Last, but not the least, our team-owner Mr Rajah Pooran Signh, has neither uttered a single encouraging word to us, the way Mr Shahrukh Khan did to his ladies hockey team in Chak De, nor has he sent us any best wishes before the start of the match. He has kept himself totally aloof from us. Perhaps he doesn’t want the world to know that he owns our IPL team, and might be looking forward to sell us no-hopers, and purchase the British Raj Colonists XI team next season.

SEPTEMBER 25, 1893

The Rumours

My roomie tells me that our captain Bhuvan has hots for Gauri, our wicket-keeper Ishwar Kaka’s daughter, and also the leading cheer-lady for IPL. Apparently Gauri also loves Bhuvan, and both of them have been found numerous times singing songs and dancing around the trees.

Captain Bhuvan and Gauri spotted fooling around (as reported by Bhuvan's bullocks)

Also, there are rumours doing the rounds that Lakha is also very much in love with Gauri, and often says sweet nothings to her. However, Bhuvan, being a bigger star than Lakha, gets all the attention from Gauri, and Lakha’s innocent love gets totally ignored. Well! Girls can be so mean.

So this is the love triangle that all of us know of. But wait! There is another angle to this tale that none other than yours truly, Fake IPL Player could notice. Our coach, the Phoren Babe also has a secret crush on Bhuvan, and she is trying her level best to get closer to Bhuvan’s mom Yashoda Mai and rest of Bhuvan’s friends, so as to catch his eye.

Whoa! So it has now become a love quadrangle. It seems as if we are not part of a cricket team, but rather some typical Bollywood masala movie.

SEPTEMBER 26, 1893

Team Meeting An Hour Ago

I never had an idea that my blog would become so famous. Until yesterday, I had not even a single follower. And look at my blog today; I already have 7842 followers. I thank you all for taking interest in all the gossip and bull-shit I write here.

However, fame also has a heavy price-tag attached with it. IPL team management has found out about the blog, and is on the lookout for the guy who is leaking all the inside news. The first to be interrogated was our captain Bhuvan, as he has got excellent communication skills, and has his very own blog which is considered to be the most popular in entire country. His blog has about 170,000 visitors, and chances are that my blog is going to test him soon. Anyway, the team management is also spying very closely on rest of the players in the team, to catch the thief red-handed. So I am going to delete all the Cookies and Temporary Internet files from my laptop now. Also, this would mean that I would not be able to stay in touch with you readers as frequently as I earler used to.

In the evening today, just after our usual training sessions, where everybody did a fantastic job once again dropping catches and bowling wide deliveries, a team meeting was called to decide on the final eleven, and the team strategy for tomorrow. Well, after long discussions, we decided on using a brand new strategy, which incidentally never crossed our minds ever, that is until now – “Gola phenk, Phalli ghooma”.

SEPTEMBER 27, 1893

The All Important Day

So the day has finally arrived when our team has to take on the mighty British Raj Colonists XI for pride, for Tiguna Lagaan maaf, and for an Oscar win. The morning is bright and sunny, but not for me. As I had always expected, I was the 12^th man, whose job was to clap whenever our player took a wicket or scored a boundary or a six. The spectators in this era do not know much about the game of cricket, and they clap only if they see a fellow Indian clap. And hence, I am the chosen one to ensure that the crowd cheers our players.

Anyway, here is the final list of playing eleven that had been selected for this all important match:

Bhuvan (c)

Deva

Guran

Bagha

Lakha

Arjan

Ishmail

Goli

Ishwar Kaka (wk)

Bhura

Kachra

The playing eleven for IPL

The team looks excellent on paper, with all the major stars in it, and the name of our icon player right at the top. Let us see how it fares against the British Raj Colonists XI.

(to be continued…)

How Global Recession saved the world

Economic recession is a good thing after all. The current financial crisis has done something that our government could never do in 61 years since Indian independence. It has brought down the disparities in distribution of wealth among rich and poor. For instance, let us consider the case of a small farmer named Deen Dayal (name changed here to maintain anonymity), who is living in a remote village of India named Charanpur, where not even a single politician would ever dare to go, and the only civilized person from a city or a town to visit the doomed place is Shahrukh Khan, who thinks that leaving NASA and living in Charanpur is a cool thing to do, and would bring a definite Oscar win this time for his director. Anyway, Deen Dayal, who once could not earn money enough to support his family of one wife, seven daughters, four sons and two bullocks, is a very satisfied person today. Reason – Well, he recently came to know that the current global financial situation has suddenly left him as rich as the global financial giant Lehman Brothers.

Terrorism is at an all time low today. There have been some miniscule incidents here and there, such as 26/11 Mumbai attack, or the attack on Sri Lankan cricketers in Pakistan, but nothing major. And thanks to global recession for that, which has ensured that the lending power of banks reduce to such levels that they are not able to finance terrorist groups such as Al Qaeda, Lashkar-e-Toiba, Hizbul Mujahideen and Yashraj Films, either knowingly or unknowingly. Result – These terrorist groups are now not in a position to purchase weapons and artillery to attack a city, or produce movies to attack the whole nation and oversees as well.

One of the many terrorists from the terrorist outfit Yash Raj films, Picture taken directly from the scene of latest attack by the group.

Pollution levels in major cities have reduced drastically in past few months as majority of industries, that used to emit harmful gases in the environment, resulting in global warming and creating a black cloud of smoke in the atmosphere as if sending an SOS signal to inhabitants of another planet to come and save the world from the path of self-destruction that it has set itself onto, without realizing that those aliens are not the friendly ones like those shown in the movie ET but are rather more of the destructive kind whose sole purpose of existence is to see the end of mankind, just like the ones from the movie War of the Worlds, both movies considered to be masterpieces to have come out from the shelf of Mr. Steven Spielberg whom I rate as the greatest Hollywood director ever, next only to Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick, have now gone bankrupt due to the current global financial situation and have pulled their shutters down. However, the important point to be noted is that the previous sentence is fourteen lines and one hundred and sixty six words long, and does not have even a single spelling or grammatical mistake when copy-pasted in Microsoft Word.

Pollution levels have reduced because the industries have closed down. But that is just one of the many reasons. The other notable reason is that those who lost all that they had to the global recession, are now walking on foot, rather than riding a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce. And then there are those who are counted among the elite few, as they have enough money left to purchase a bicycle, and thus are willingly or unwillingly contributing towards the noble cause of keeping pollution levels under check on the planet.

Also, as a result of shutdown of majority of industries, the consumption of our natural resources such as petroleum, wood and coal has significantly reduced. It is being assumed that these natural resources, instead of lasting for mere 10 years as predicted earlier, would now survive the wrath of humans, and would last till the end of the world, which as per Mayans’ prophecy is 2012.

These are only some of the global problems that recession has been able to solve. If you know about any more which have been solved by the current economic situation, do leave a comment.

ABSOLUTEly unbelievable is Pune

Property prices are falling all over the world owing to the current global financial situation. The only exception, however seems to be Pune, the city I hail from, where property prices and rents are rising at a brisk rate comparable only to that of increase in my waist size. And also to the rate of decrease in my spending power.

I was completely taken aback when my landlord called me the other day, and taught me the mathematics they use in Pune (for details click here). The formula that governs property rent in the city is as follows:

Incr in rent (%) = |Incr in IT employee strength in city| / |Incr in property prices everywhere| x 100%

where |x| =x, if x is greater than or equal to 0

and |x| = -x, if x is less than 0

The reason I was taken aback was not because of the complexity of this formula, but because of the fact that it was for the first time I saw someone apply absolute value function for some useful purpose.

I first came across the absolute value function in my mathematics textbook in standard 9^th. And I always wondered what the use of this function is. Is it just to make the algebra problems more complex, so that math teachers such as Mrs Scott can easily group students into “My favorites” and “Spam” categories? Or does it serve any practical purpose in life? One practical purpose that I could think of was to apply it in my grades vs prize graph. Consider that the x-axis in the graph below represents the difference in marks I scored in mathematics when compared to the last test I appeared in, while y axis represents the price or the number of prizes I get from my dad for improvement I make in my grades. I suggested this idea to my dad, and got a week's detention.

I was always hopeful that engineers do use this function in the designs they make for nuclear reactors, fighter jets or T-800 robots that can travel back in time to save the world. However, to my disappointment, I never encountered either a formula or a theorem in my 4 years of engineering, that made use of the absolute value function anywhere. Or a T-800 design lab for that matter. The closest I came to experience a || symbol was while I was studying about capacitors in an electrical engineering book. So I started believing that this world is living a fool’s life to have invented this great mathematical function and never use it in day to day lives.

Years went by, and I totally forgot about it until the day I heard from my landlord. It seems like Puneites know how to use things to their advantage. They are the most educated and rationale people I have come across, as they have made the most out of absolute value function, and devised this magic formula. They have even generalized it to other spheres of our day to day lives such as calculating auto-rickshaw fares or the price of a movie ticket in multiplex. Hats off.

And after my landlord explained me about the formula, the conversation took a new direction altogether:

VM: Great calculation sir! Kudos to Pune property dealers for showing the world what it had been ignoring for long.

LL: So you also appreciate the fact. It is time now to apply it for betterment of society in general. How about making a start and raising the rent for your flat by Rs 500 per month?

VM: But my salary hasn't increased this year by even a single penny. And the property prices have fallen everywhere!!!

LL: That's the power of this calculation. It drives the city. Soon, the whole world will look at Pune as the city that set the example.

VM: Umm!! Sir on second thoughts, ignorance is bliss.

Darn the absolute value function. I can only hope that this world doesn’t open its closet and start looking for similar old unused stuff the way Pune did.

Worst is yet to come!!!

Could it get any worse than this? It took me almost a month to digest the fact that the current global financial crisis has sent such a strong kick in my ass that I literally flew all the way from UK, back to India. And subsequently, the company for which I work, after carrying out thorough analysis and wide range of surveys among all strata of its employees, came to the conclusion that in these bad times, the best way out is to employ the law – Employ the laws on employees, wherever possible. Or in other words - To maintain profitability, reduce workability. And hence, the company cut down on the following key parameters:

1. Employees Promotion

2. Employees Salary

3. Employees Lunch break and leisure time

4. Employees Toilet Paper usage quota

5. Employees

So, the promotion I was expecting got delayed till time indefinite, and I got a negative salary hike this year. Also, due to the upper limit imposed on usage of toilet paper, my productivity and creativity reduced drastically, as I now get to spend lesser time in the “innovation room”.

I thought this is the worst that could ever have happened to me. But how wrong I was? I got a call on my mobile the other morning that resulted in a conversation compared to which, all of my professional hassles stand zilch. It was the landlord of the flat I stay in Pune. Here is a brief of that conversation:

LL: Hi Vaibhav! This is the landlord of the flat that you have currently rented in Pune.

VM: Oh hello sir! How are you?

LL: Listen! You have to pay 500 bucks extra for rent starting this month.

VM: But sir, property prices are going down everywhere these days. What forces drive you to increase the rent?

LL: Look Vaibhav! You are new in Pune, and you perhaps do not know about the property market here. In gist, rent of a property always rises in Pune at a rate calculated by the following formula:

Incr in rent (%) = |Incr in IT employee strength in city| / |Incr in property prices everywhere| x 100%
where |a| = a, if a is greater than or equal to 0
and |a| = -a, if a is less than 0

This great insight into the dynamics of property prices and rents helped me understand why rent always keeps rising in the city of Pune, and how property dealers maintain profitability even in recession times. My company should organize a training session for its Board of Directors, and invite these landlords as trainers.

So this sharp hike of Rs 500 in my flat rent has left me speechless now and pennyless in foresight. And I thought those were the Worst Days Ever???

Blast from the Future

It was Monday evening, an evening that I hate the most. I was sitting in my cubicle, with my eyes staring at the screen of my PC. The black background filled with green text, and a blinking cursor captured all my attention. Well, almost all, as there still was that Windows taskbar at the bottom of the screen, which is just enough to deviate the concentration from your usual work. A friend pinged me on the Office Communicator. And next to communicator icon was the PC clock, which incidentally grabbed my full attention at that very moment. And the next moment, a few questions crossed my mind:

Quest 1 - Will I, or any other mortal for that matter, ever have the capability to control this clock, and the role it plays in our lives?

Quest 2 - Will I ever be able to change all my weekdays into Saturdays or Sundays, so that I do not have to come to office ever again?

Quest 3 – Would anybody ever be able to create a time machine, which would enable us to travel from one era to another, just like the way they show in some of the super hit Hollywood movies and some of the super flop Bollywood movies?

A super hit Hollywood movie based on the concept of time travel

And a super flop Bollywood movie based on the concept of time travel. There are many more.

Quest 4 - And the most important question of them all – Would I miss my last bus home today ‘coz it is already 9:12PM, and the bus leaves at 9:15?

Out of all these questions, I had the answer only to the last one, which had a greater weightage over the others at that point of time. However, I am a long time MBA aspirant, and just like other members of my fraternity, I have that zeal within me to solve each of the un-attempted questions from the question paper, when I return home after the test. So I started pondering over questions 1 thru 3, and try to think if I have the answer to any of these. And here are my answers to these questions:

Answer 1 – No idea. None of the options selected from ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. Zero marks.

Answer 2 – Again, no clue at all. But that would be a nice situation to have. None of the two options selected again. Zero marks.

Answer 3 – Cannot say with certainty. My answer would be ‘No’, because of plain logic – If somebody creates time machine in future, let us say 50 years from now, wouldn’t that person ever test it or further use it to travel into past? And by past in future, what I mean is present in present. Have we ever encountered or heard of any time travelers from future, who used their time machines to reach our present? Or have we ever read of time travelers in our history text books? Is there any real life Marty McFly who rode a DeLorean DMC-12 to reach his past, or our present? If there was one, a sudden appearance of him in public would definitely have made the headlines of all the newspapers. Mr McFly and his machine would have been on the cover of all the magazines, be it Discover or Autocar. Or the most common picture engraved on some of the caves discovered from stone-age would have been Mr McFly riding his car, instead of the primitive man using stone-made tools to hunt down a deer. Unfortunately, this is not the case. This only strengthens my belief that invention of time machine is impossible.

On second thoughts, could those UFOs encountered in recent past by several Americans, in actual, be the time machines? Do time machines look more like rotating flying disks, rather than sports car? And could those strange looking aliens actually be the humans from future whose bodies got deformed during time travel because of the combined action of gravity, centripetal acceleration, some yet to be discovered forces of nature and travel sickness. If the answer is yes, this would be big thumbs down to the theory that there is life outside the planet. And Americans would again go back to their old popular belief that life exists only on Earth in general and USA in particular.

A human deformed partly due to enormous forces and majorly due to nausea experienced during time travel

So, again I get zero marks, this time for marking both the options.

Answer 4 – Yes, I did miss the bus that day. So I had to wait until 11 o’ clock, when an evening shift colleague of mine dropped me home in his car.

Life as a newly born poet

Here it goes. My 6th poem has just been completed and is ready to hit the bull-board (this is how I refer to my company’s bulletin board in short) any time next week. The odds are high that it would be appreciated as much as my last poem, if not more. Incidentally, my last poem received only a single response, when I sent it to my friend for his expert opinion. In return, I got a Delivery Failure message saying “The recipient’s mailbox is full”. Though, I have nothing to worry about. There are peaks in a writer’s career, that I have already experienced, and then there are abysses as well. I have seen those days when my mailbox was overflowing with the mails of adulation, when one of my poem was put on the KM Board (Yeah, they do feel that my poem can be the best means of attracting people’s attention to an otherwise unnoticed notice board, just like Shahrukh Khan can do for Himani Navratna Tel). I have even heard rumors that I have been nominated, and am the strongest contender to receive the next MVP award as well as the SPOT award. Is it true that they have changed the names of these awards to “Most Valuable Poet” and “Star Poet Of Team”? The awards are a certainty as my PM is loudly vouching for me.

People often ask me about my very peculiar style of writing. Why is it that all my poems are always written in first person? Is it because I am a self-obsessed freak? Well, the answer is “No”. I am neither a self-obsessed egotist (Kudos to my memory for remembering the first word I had read in a book by Norman Lewis to improve my vocab 5 years back), nor an egomaniac. Even though I had the realization of my attractive charm way back in 1983, when the doctor looked at me and said “Sho Shweet”, I am still a very humble person. Even though during school days, my friends called me Einstein Junior (my powerful specs and receding hairline played some part in it), yet I have my feet very much grounded on earth. And though, people call me a star and a gem (maybe due to the 4 gems I wear on my fingers), I am still a very down-to-earth man. And the only reason I write my poems in first person is because I want to relate to the person I am writing about.

However, as the old adage goes, Fame comes with a heavy price tag. Once you become a poet, every one expects you to write a poem on him or her. The other day, my PM asked me to write a poem about her green dress. Now I am not that sort of writer who can write about just anything in this world. Poetry is something that comes straight from one’s heart. But I had to surrender under peer-pressure. After all, my appraisal activities are still incomplete. But with my heart not into the poem, the words didn’t come out. I had decided that the last line of the poem will be “The Lady in Green”. But what are the lines that would rhyme with it? After spending almost half an hour, the best lines that I could think of were –
“Two years back I was lean”
“In college, Prof Rao was my Dean.”
“I have to dust my room clean”
“I have been working for past 2 months like a machine.”

And I gave up. To hell with my appraisal.

Last weekend, I went to a nearby mall to purchase a new pair of pajamas. And as luck would have it, I wasn’t spared there as well. My celebrity status has really deprived me of all privacy I experienced until few weeks back. But now, they spot me wherever I go. For instance, I asked the salesperson standing at the counter:
“How much do these Pajamas cost?”
“Rs 800.”
“That’s too much. I would pay only Rs 100 for it.”
“Saab, free me hi le jao.” (“You can take it for free.”)

His reply was something I couldn’t take. I know that I am a celebrity. But that doesn’t mean that people would start giving me free gifts for no reason at all. Alright, he might have read my poems sitting with his family in front of the fire-place, and must have felt a new bond with his children, but offering me a pair of Pajamas for free was just too much.

The biggest problem a celebrity, like me, has to face is the fear of paparazzi. While shopping, I saw a man deliberately making his girl friend stand just in front of me and then taking a snap of her. As if, I don’t know that in actual he wanted a photograph of me, to sell it to the highest bidding newspaper.

But my worst experience was when all of a sudden, a person came to me posing to be an old friend.
“Vaibhav Mathur from St Mary’s Academy?”
“Yes. Do I know you?”
“Hey, I am Ankur from high school. Don’t you remember me?”
“Stay away Mister. And don’t call my name loud, or else there’ll be a stampede here.”

I had to quickly run away from the scene before they all recognized me and started asking for an autograph.

On second thoughts, was he really Ankur Sabbarwal? My high school chuddy-buddy? Nah, can’t be. This world is full of poseurs and wannabes.
- Vaibhav Mathur

Me DONE for this week

Under normal circumstances, I am not a voracious reader. After office hours, I don’t even care to read the front page of the newspaper (sometimes I even think that the sole purpose of the existence of newspapers is to sell them as raddi at the end of month). However, office hours are a totally different story. When it comes to reading the Leisure section of my company’s Bulletin Board during office hours, none can beat me. I am among those who think that one should spend quality time and effort in reading the BB, and should have 5 minutes of work breaks in between.

Coming back to the point, last week, while going through some of the hot topics on the BB, such as Aamir vs Shahrukh, I saw a post from a colleague of mine. The post was titled DONE or “Do One New Simple Thing Every Week”. The guy had made a high level plan to do something new each week.

Inspiration comes in many ways, and in my case, it was through this post. I thought “Why not me?” I should also try doing something else this weekend. So on Friday evening, I made up my mind and started thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking. And the first thing this highly uninnovative mind saw after some more thinking (read 2 hours) was a DVD my roomie had purchased the previous day. So I told myself – “In past I have seen atleast 1 movie each week. But this is my golden chance to break all records and put myself through a test. Why not watch the complete DVD in one go. This is that something new for this week.

Now, I have seen lady luck stay away from some people throughout their lives. However, in my case, it was just the opposite. That particular evening, I, Vaibhav Mathur aka the biggest loser of all time (I don’t know whether they have this category in The Guiness Book or not else my name would surely have been there), kicked her with my very own feet adorned in newly bought Lee Cooper shoes (Price Rs 5800 after a discount of 5%).

When I took a closer look at the cover, the movies in the DVD included Dhol, Saawariya, Bhool Bhulaiyya, Dhamaal, No smoking and Johnny Gaddar. And I cursed God for not giving me X-ray vision so that I could have looked straight through the closet which had the DVD containing Dollar trilogy and Once Upon A Time trilogy, rather than the one outside the closet. But a man’s word is a man’s word. I had to go through the torture for next 15-18 hours.

So the long endless journey started at 6:30 am on Saturday morning. The first in queue was Dhol. Goodness me. How can people even give a remote thought to such an idiotic idea of film making? Let alone bringing it into execution.

Next in queue was Saawariya. Well, after watching this movie on big screen and spoiling my Diwali, I had made up my mind never to watch Bollywood cinema ever again in my life. Never had I thought after that day that there can be even a slight possibility of me going through that torture all over again. By the end of this movie, Mr headache started knocking on the doors of my forehead.

Next came Bhool Bhulaiyya. No words are enough to describe the movie. I was completely lost in the bhool bhulaiyya. And even more lost were the characters in it. But the most lost soul on planet earth seemed to be the director of the movie – Mr Priyadarshan, who didn’t have a clue at all what he had made.

Dhamaal – After watching the movie I realized I had seen it earlier as well, perhaps in the year 1988. Some more stress on my brain revealed that it was incidentally on the very same day my dad had brought home the Video cassette of “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World”.

No Smoking – I had heard a lot about this movie, how bad it is. And I had expected Mr Headache to start tearing each and every part of my brain during the next couple of hours. But to my surprise, it turned out to be otherwise. What I came to know after watching this movie is that abstract art is not understood by all.

Last but not the least – Johnny Gaddar. It made my day. Well, all is well that ends well.

So it was 9:30 pm. And what bad luck it is that even the pirated DVDs these days have movies in their fullest of lengths unlike those Golden years when 30 to 40 minutes portion from each movie was removed to make it fit into one VCD.

A lesser known Poet

It has almost been ten years now, since I last put pen on paper. Now don’t take it too literally. I agree that I haven’t touched either a pen or a sheet of paper in past 2 years I have spent in Software Industry. And thanks to MS-Word, xls and several other tools emerging from the gates of Gates-Factory in the recent past. These tools are helping our environment by replacing paper, ink, pencils and pens by floppies, CDs and microchips which are less harmful and self destructible in 5 seconds (the self-destructible part, I had seen in some movie, whose name MI memory is not able to recall right now). Another thing that MS-Word and its kin have been able to do is, save valuable amount of money spent by writers like me, who waste 1 notebook and 1 ballpoint pen, just to scribble a single page of ideas. Writers of my kind can now save valuable Rs 5 and valuable Rs 3, otherwise spent on a notepad and a pen respectively. Rather, they can use a PC, which is now a household commodity, costing as less as Rs 15000 only.


Without wavering from the point anymore, I would like you to understand the figurative meaning of what I said earlier regarding putting pen on paper. It was in Standard 8th, that I last composed a poem. I can call it as my masterpiece, as it received a standing ovation from each and every classmate of mine present in the room. It was composed as a part of home-assignment given to me by Sister Agatha, my English teacher. The poem that I had penned was titled “My favorite movie”, and was an ode to DDLJ, that was released previous year. The first lines of the poem went something like this:

“Raj was a boy who lived in London,
He fell in love with a girl named Simran.”


That was in 1997. I usually am not very good in remembering dates (you can find the proof in my history grades, or you can ask my ex-girlfriend who broke off with me on the her birthday.). However, I can remember the year 1997, because that year, I had marginally escaped failing in English. When reprimanded by my parents, I put the blame on Sister Agatha for her lack of knowledge of literature, poetry and art (cinema included).


So that was the end of the beginning of a new era of poetry. A poet was killed as soon as he was born. And soon in his thoughts, literature and art was replaced by science and mathematics. Probability replaced poetry, electronics replaced essays and arithmetic replaced art. The likes of Picasso, Shakespeare and Milton had to make way for Newton, Pythagoras and Rutherford. And like every other kid in the block, my second ambition in life also changed to becoming a rocket scientist rather than a poet. (No need to mention that the first ambition in life of each kid in each block of India is to become Tendulkar.)


Now you must be wondering, what inspired me to put pen on paper again after 10 long years. Well, most recently, I happened to see the Leisure section of my company’s bulletin board. Under normal circumstances, I am among those who avoid reading BB, as it is normally full of avoidable topics like “I hate Canteen Food” or “I put an injured bird on staircase, but when I came back it had disappeared”. However, that day the circumstances were, by no means, normal, as I had seen a stray dog in the company premises. I had to post the incident on BB by any means, in order to start a meaningful discussion. And as I opened the Leisure section of the BB, the first thing I saw was a beautiful poem, written by a person whose name I would not mention in this article, because I am too busy for such trivia, with project going live next week and still 5 programs to be tested. So I went down the memory lane to those days of yore, when a poet in the making was lost in the trivia of science, maths and Tendulkar worship.


So, my dear friends!!! I promise you all that very soon, you will see a beautiful poem from me. And the poem is going to be much much better than the one I wrote in standard 8th, not because my style of writing has changed, but because my taste in cinema has moved towards more sophisticated and meaningful movies like RGV ki Aag.