Sunday, May 24, 2009

From Fake IPL Player's Blog – The Build Up

SEPTEMBER 23, 1893
Let The Match Begin

Well, as far as getting into the playing eleven in IPL (Indian Players for Lagaan-maaf) team is concerned, I am a no-hoper. And the only thing I expect to do during the course of this match is serve water, chhachh and baajra rotis to the players in the middle. However, this also means that I would have enough time on my hands to write this blog, and update you with the live action straight from the Champaner cricket stadium, as well as all the gossip from the dressing room. And for this purpose, I am going to use my newly bought Macbook Pro, launched by Apple Inc in January 1892.

What I like the most about this tournament is the hot cheer-leaders dancing in their sexy costumes. That’s one thing that I am going to enjoy the most here. Those beauties, dancing to that hep tune, really make my day.

Hot cheer-leaders of IPL

Another good thing about this tournament is that I can be at a very close range of all the superstars of this star-studded cricket team. During the first few hours spent with them, I have noticed the traits in some of them, and I am now going to share these with you. My captain Bhuvan, carries a lot of attitude with him, wherever he goes. He never stoops down either in front of the Goras, or the film fraternity even if they offer him prestigious awards such as The Manikchand Filmfare. The only exception to this, however, is the excitement and enthu seen in him when these Goras offer him an Academy Award. Our coach is a British Lady named Elizabeth, who apparently also happens to be the sister of rival team’s captain (Captain Russell). And then we have our team-owner, a local ruler, Rajah Pooran Singh. Other teammates are pretty interesting characters as well. Unfortunately, our evergreen international player, Mr Dev Anand (if you remember him from the Awwal Number series) has dropped out this time due to some other prior commitments. Had he also been there, our team could have aptly been named as Circus XI.

SEPTEMBER 24, 1893
The Issues

Before we could even push the start button, our team realized that it was in a much bigger shit-hole now, than the time when our captain, Mr Attitude had challenged Captain Russel for a match. The whole team is at the lowest of the abysses. Everyone around is dropping catches as if it is not a cricket ball, but rather a snitch used in the English Quiddich League headed by Sir Harry Potter himself. Two of our leading bowlers, Goli and Guran, have bowling actions that would put the likes of Lasith Malinga to think very highly of themselves. There are great chances that the two would be called for chucking by the umpires. Our coach, Elizabeth, whom I would refer to as Phoren Babe from now on, is too much bent towards our captain, and never makes even a single eye contact with any of the other players in the team. I can also spot a lot of racism within the team, with some of our super-stars looking down upon our only genuine spinner Kachra, who happens to be from a lower caste, and is considered untouchable by others. And as a result he has always been afraid to open his mouth in front of others. Last, but not the least, our team-owner Mr Rajah Pooran Signh, has neither uttered a single encouraging word to us, the way Mr Shahrukh Khan did to his ladies hockey team in Chak De, nor has he sent us any best wishes before the start of the match. He has kept himself totally aloof from us. Perhaps he doesn’t want the world to know that he owns our IPL team, and might be looking forward to sell us no-hopers, and purchase the British Raj Colonists XI team next season.

SEPTEMBER 25, 1893
The Rumours

My roomie tells me that our captain Bhuvan has hots for Gauri, our wicket-keeper Ishwar Kaka’s daughter, and also the leading cheer-lady for IPL. Apparently Gauri also loves Bhuvan, and both of them have been found numerous times singing songs and dancing around the trees.

Captain Bhuvan and Gauri spotted fooling around (as reported by Bhuvan's bullocks)

Also, there are rumours doing the rounds that Lakha is also very much in love with Gauri, and often says sweet nothings to her. However, Bhuvan, being a bigger star than Lakha, gets all the attention from Gauri, and Lakha’s innocent love gets totally ignored. Well! Girls can be so mean.

So this is the love triangle that all of us know of. But wait! There is another angle to this tale that none other than yours truly, Fake IPL Player could notice. Our coach, the Phoren Babe also has a secret crush on Bhuvan, and she is trying her level best to get closer to Bhuvan’s mom Yashoda Mai and rest of Bhuvan’s friends, so as to catch his eye.

Whoa! So it has now become a love quadrangle. It seems as if we are not part of a cricket team, but rather some typical Bollywood masala movie.

SEPTEMBER 26, 1893
Team Meeting An Hour Ago

I never had an idea that my blog would become so famous. Until yesterday, I had not even a single follower. And look at my blog today; I already have 7842 followers. I thank you all for taking interest in all the gossip and bull-shit I write here.

However, fame also has a heavy price-tag attached with it. IPL team management has found out about the blog, and is on the lookout for the guy who is leaking all the inside news. The first to be interrogated was our captain Bhuvan, as he has got excellent communication skills, and has his very own blog which is considered to be the most popular in entire country. His blog has about 170,000 visitors, and chances are that my blog is going to test him soon. Anyway, the team management is also spying very closely on rest of the players in the team, to catch the thief red-handed. So I am going to delete all the Cookies and Temporary Internet files from my laptop now. Also, this would mean that I would not be able to stay in touch with you readers as frequently as I earler used to.

In the evening today, just after our usual training sessions, where everybody did a fantastic job once again dropping catches and bowling wide deliveries, a team meeting was called to decide on the final eleven, and the team strategy for tomorrow. Well, after long discussions, we decided on using a brand new strategy, which incidentally never crossed our minds ever, that is until now – “Gola phenk, Phalli ghooma”.

SEPTEMBER 27, 1893
The All Important Day

So the day has finally arrived when our team has to take on the mighty British Raj Colonists XI for pride, for Tiguna Lagaan maaf, and for an Oscar win. The morning is bright and sunny, but not for me. As I had always expected, I was the 12th man, whose job was to clap whenever our player took a wicket or scored a boundary or a six. The spectators in this era do not know much about the game of cricket, and they clap only if they see a fellow Indian clap. And hence, I am the chosen one to ensure that the crowd cheers our players.

Anyway, here is the final list of playing eleven that had been selected for this all important match:

Bhuvan (c)








Ishwar Kaka (wk)



The playing eleven for IPL

The team looks excellent on paper, with all the major stars in it, and the name of our icon player right at the top. Let us see how it fares against the British Raj Colonists XI.

(to be continued…)


omi said...

2 spelling mistakes...its teen guna lagaan and name of wicket keeper is Issar kaka

Vaibhav Mathur said...

Thnx Omi. Point noted. Would ensure that in the sequel, I don't make any mistake.